1. Can’t believe it’s been a year since I’ve had this blog. Reading back on the older posts was a mind fuck. Time is an incredible concept.. it’s truly larger than life. Maybe time is life. It’s just one of those things impossible to fully grasp, you just know it’s something much larger than you. I don’t know. I’m rambling.

    365 days later, I am a completely different person from when I started this. At this point in my life right now, I can admit that I’ve fallen off from some personal health habits I was working to build last year, such as writing consistently (obviously), making mindful decisions about who I hang out with (I got caught up with all the wrong things for a little while), I don’t even draw like I used to. I’ve been completely consumed and spat back out by vandal culture, for the better, ultimately. Spring is a great time to rebuild, and I’m thinking it’s a good idea to take things back to basics and reconnect with myself. It’s been a while..

  2. Things like this are so humbling. So gratifying. I appreciate it. Thank you.

  3. It’s been almost three months, a quarter of a year, but I’m back.

    Absolutely insane how time flies. I will never be able to wrap my head around it. So much has happened in these last three months… I ended my relationship, moved three times (out of my apartment in Hunts Point to my mom’s house in Woodlawn, then we moved to Castle Hill, then I moved to Brooklyn, Bushwick area), I got a second job, sold my car, my cousin got super sick again, my little sister left to summer camp, I have struggled with my bipolar disorder at much higher extremities than usual due to stress, began painting and taking drawing and writing extensively more seriously. I read profusely now; my insatiable craving for information has spiked— I’ve been researching anything and everything! I’ve made new friends that I’ve carefully picked out (so rewarding when you make mindful decisions about stuff like that), and I’ve began rekindling a lot of old friendships. It’s been a real life changing three months.

    I am proud of all the personal progress and strength that I have exemplified these past few months. Most times, I am very hard on myself and extremely self critical (to a fault), but for once, I really owe myself a pat on the back. I’ve observed so much personal growth; it’s quite exciting to have the capability to look at ones self objectively. I have exceeded my own expectations, and I am really beginning to develop some important disciplines… of thought process, stress management, making the time to be creative and following through on my projects, seek information and support… I’ve been careful to make very mindful decisions about what it is that I am currently doing, my next steps, who I allow into my life and to consume my time… despite the outstanding stress levels and incredibly dark lows at times… I am happy. I am still struggling very much so, but every day I feel more and more confident that I am heading in the right direction, and I certainly feel much more in tune with myself. (Kind of funny that the same way we have to get to know others, we also have to get to know and understand ourselves too!)

    A lot of times it becomes difficult to talk about my problems, especially when I feel consumed by them and it’s all I can talk about. I hate that repetition of conversation; horrible feeling. But to my friends that have been patient, listened, and have been nothing but supportive— THANK YOU. You save my life everyday and you will never know the magnitude of gratitude and importance of the role you have played in my life at this time. I am surrounded by some truly astounding human beings filled with love and positivity. It is so inspiring. So rejuvenating. When I am at my lowest, it gives me a reason to carry on. And even for the friends I haven’t spoken in detail to about personal issues, but have just been such great company and allowed me to enjoy fun-filled days, nights and laughter with you.. THANK YOU! The simplicity of your presence provides so much magic in my life.

    I hope I can always do for you all what you have done for me. Here’s to great friendships and love.

  4. I took a walk through Central Park to quiet the buzzing in my head. I was stressed out, exhausted, feeling down. I just wanted a break.

    Towards the end of my walk when I was approaching the East Side, I saw this couple. They were so relaxed, totally comfortable around each other, and they couldn’t be more different. The guy was white and a little overweight, with long scraggly hair, and he dressed rather sloppy. His sneakers were beat, the bottom of his jeans frayed from trailing on the floor. He looked like one of those homeless/hipster dudes, to be quite honest. She was black, much heavier set, with long braided extensions down her back. She was dressed stylishly and neatly, and my guess was that she was straight out of Harlem. I wondered where the both of them came from— what was their story? How did that play into how they got together? Did their parents mind, did they even know about this romance? how did their friends take it? what types of looks and judgements did they encounter everyday as they walked and held hands? i couldn’t help but wonder. It seemed like such an unlikely matchup, yet they seemed so at-home and unconcerned.

    Watching them boosted my mood the way nothing else that day could. It gave me hope, seeing them like that. There really is somebody out there for everybody.. And maybe it is only a matter of deciding to open your eyes and close out your judgement.. Beauty is everywhere. Love is undeniable.

  5. I have some of the best views of The Bronx outside of my window, if you ask me.

    Taken with an iPhone 5, edited with SnapSeed on the iPad mini.

  6. elusiveenigma:

    Tag the artists if you know them! I only know one by name— @fumeroism

  7. elusiveenigma:

    Pop Culture. @10deep @thehundreds @supremenyc @thesource

  8. I’ve moved so many times in my life. Friendships have always been hard for me to maintain, and I can’t blame it solely on moving. It’s easy for me to kind of take on that “out of sight, out of mind” mentality when it comes to my friendships, and I definitely can’t say that these two people above have been exempt from that treatment at one point or another.

    What I can say though, is that the role they have each played in my life has been so critical that no matter what happens between us, they will never be like my other friends, because they’re not my other friends.. I have such an emotional attachment to them; our friendship is a little dysfunctional in some ways— we talk absolutely recklessly to each other all the time. I think all three of us have physically fought at one point or another. There have been arguments when we were younger that caused us to not speak to each other for months at a time.

    I never knew… Or rather, understood… The importance of sincere friendship, until them. I always felt people were replaceable, and for the most part I do still believe that, but not when it comes to them. I have never had a better pair of friends that are ALWAYS there for me when I need them, that I can talk so plainly with, that tell me what I need to hear, not what I want to hear, and they always give it to me straight, they never sugarcoat anything. It’s great to have friends that you don’t have to catch up on your life because they’re always there for it. Their homes are my second, I serve myself, I raid the refrigerator, I buy juice lol.

    My life was completely different before they stormed into it that fall of 2006. My best teenage memories come from them— the early Saturday mornings on McLean Ave in Connor Park, zig zag, spiral, and bums cave, cutting school to go to Philly and get a cheesesteak, being brought breakfast every morning just because. It brings a smile to my face just thinking about it. These are the friends I want for the rest of my life; the future godmothers of my kids, nursing home buddies, Cali living together…. Everything. Without them knowing it, they have taught me so much about life and love.

    I love you biff.

  9. I will also be reblogging from my older account where my Instagram photos post to…

    Community 54.

    (Source: elusiveenigma)

  10. It was cold as shit outside, but we sat on that park bench for what felt like forever, high as fuck and stuck. The warmth of the sun kept us there. Trancelike, we watched the children play.

    Directly in front of us, an intense game of cricket was going down between a group of young Indian boys; they didn’t even look old enough to be in middle school. On the far side of the park, Jewish mothers chased their toddlers, small children zoomed in and out of the playing field on their scooters and tricycles. The mothers did nothing to keep their children out of the playing field, and the Indian children did not complain. The only time they did complain and argue, was with each other. “WHY are you RUNNING?!” “Manu!!!! Come ON Manu, PAY ATTENTION!!!” “That’s out!” “Well you didn’t call that foul before so don’t call it now that its OUR turn.” “That’s the inning! Switch!”

    We watched with delight. We laughed at their silly facial expressions, at their inability to conceal their excitement. They skipped across the field as the switched innings, they sang out their responses instead of simply talking, they made sly taunts to opposing team members as they passed each each other when switching innings. We couldn’t stop laughing as we watched them.

    It was bittersweet. There is such a serenity in observing innocent life; these kids didn’t have a problem in the world. They delighted in the simple joys of life, before it all gets complicated; things like going outside, taking in the fresh air, and just playing! Do you even remember how desperate we were as kids to go outside and play? I forgot until just now. I watched their lives in the present, before they would learn about the cruelty of the world, before they would really feel the effects of racism in this country, before they experiment with drugs and alcohol, before their first heartbreak… I am ashamed, but a part of me envied them so badly. I watched them through red glossy eyes, and I knew that my high was nothing compared to the adrenaline they felt as they simply continued the game of cricket. It made me wistful for my childhood.. I remember it so clearly but I can’t recollect where the time went so quickly. I watched them and silently wished that I could somehow freeze this moment forever; I wanted to protect them from the pains of growing up, preserve their innocence. I must admit that I also wanted to preserve myself in that moment; I wanted that feeling of peace, ultimate understanding, and optimistic hope to last forever. I lived vicariously through them; suddenly, I viewed the world with a childlike wonder. My whole life was ahead of me, I thought about my goals and dreams, “what I wanna be when I ‘grow up’”

    And then I wondered what would become of them. For the first time when thinking about the future… I felt like everything was going to be just fine. I didn’t worry about them at all; in fact, I wondered if I was unknowingly watching someone that would grow to make huge differences and change in the world; someone who would go down in history. They could amount to anything at this point in their lives; and thats when I really understood the significance of the present moment. The only life we have is the one we’re living right now; yesterday is over already and tomorrow is premature. The life you want to lead begins with your decisions of right now.

    Finally, a sense of relief washed over me. I was.. I am, firm that my life is going in the right direction and by any means necessary I am going to continue to follow my dreams, no matter anyone’s opinion.

    We are always in children in the present; we are the youngest we will ever be again in this moment. What will you do with your youth? Who do you choose to grow to be? With no care or responsibility in the world, what would you do?

    … Thoughts from a park bench.